Monday, December 10, 2012


It is 3:14 in the morning. Showered and clean, I lay here amidst my unwashed sheets in the soft red glow of my spider lamp. Truth be told, the lamp only has five twisty arms, so to call it ‘spider’ is probably incorrect. Perhaps the other three will grow back sometime soon. I did inherit it from my grandmother, so I can’t be sure how many arms it had in the time before living in my corner. Possible? I think so.

No matter.

The point is that I’m laying here spouting out a soliloquy about my second hand lamp because I have absolutely no idea what to write about. That’s a lie. I have a complete idea as to what I would like to share with you…it’s more the implementing of that idea that gives me trouble.

Share is the proper word for what I want, I think. Today, right here, right now I would like to share with you some secrets I have been keeping safe. It will feel great to get them off of my chest, and I think we’ll get to know each other much better by the end. So let’s get started then, shall we?

Yes. I think we shall.

I pick my nose. Ferociously. My nose is in a constant competition with itself to see what it can create that is better than the boogies of yesterday. I’m simply the judge. Today’s specimens were fair at best.

When I was in preschool, I would spend a lot of recess time with a good friend of mine under the jungle gym. Hidden poorly beneath the fire engine red monkey bars, he and I would regularly play a game of ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.’ I can recall doing similar things in elementary school, but I don’t remember them as clearly as my preschool friend. I will remember him until I die, and I will never tell his name. That’s his secret to tell.

Being perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure which dream I would like to pursue right now. I am still the happiest I have ever been, and I don’t see this changing any time soon.

In the seventh grade, I saw one of my imaginary friends born right before my eyes. A periwinkle egg appeared atop some silly girl’s head and proceeded to hatch right then and there in the middle of science class. Astounded as I was, I held no reservations about explaining the situation to my table of imaginarily challenged classmates. Aside from the silly girl, everyone seemed to enjoy the telling very much indeed.

I consider myself fashion challenged. Locked securely into an odd 90’s kind of wardrobe, I really have no idea how to dress myself. When I look good, it is a happy mistake.

On some base level, I have always known I was a cross dresser. Women’s clothing is usually softer and more exciting, so if it fits and looks good I am all for wearing it.

If someone were to physically and immediately threaten my life or the life of someone I love, I can honestly say that I would feel no remorse if I killed them in self defense. 100% clear conscience.

Before my parents got divorced, I tried to run away and failed. I made it to the end of the block before my four wheeler ran out of juice and it started raining. After a pitiful walk of shame back home, I removed all evidence of the attempt.

After careful consideration, I have decided that I am homosexual and omni-lovable. I have, in the past, had very deep, intense and loving relationships with women. There was simply no physical attraction. If sex were removed from the equation, I could fall madly in love with a woman probably more readily than with a man.

I really don’t like ordering food over the phone. If you pay attention to me, you’ll notice that I somehow manage to avoid being the one to call in for delivery pretty much every time. Not really sure why.

Farts smell pretty damn gross…just not mine.

These are just the tip of an iceberg my friends, but I’m happy I was able to share them with you. Thank you for listening to the ranting of a crazy twenty-three year old. It is now 4:09am, and I am going to pass out. Happy Monday Fun Day.

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