Monday, May 7, 2012

Hear me out, I have a theory...

A theory about shit.

“But Brogan!” you protest. “We already read your shit story. Revelations in a stall was hilarious and wonderful, but how full of shit can you really be?”

Plenty full. Sometimes my naturally blue eyes turn brown. Truth fact.

I simply ask that you tough it out, enjoy this shitty theory of mine, and then I’ll do my best not to make you trudge through another cesspool for a while. I could be lying. Honestly, poop talk is pretty damn interesting and oftentimes funny. You might see many more of these. But I suppose I can try.

Gosh, you’re demanding. Now, to the theory!

I believe there is a kind of currency to shit. Think about it. Every single day (at least if you are well balanced in the colon type area) shits are taken. It is also safe to assume that many shits are given. I know you say you don’t, but be honest. You give a shit about someone or something on the daily.

It is my belief that there is a correspondence between shits you give and shits you take. When you have one or many people who give a shit about you, your internal shit level rises. You are then able to accept these given shits and take them when you feel the need.

Think of the possibilities for gauging how to balance out your poopy time.

When you find yourself constipated and, try as you might, you can’t manage to push one out, one of two issues is taking place.

  1. You have reached a place in your life where so few people give a shit about you that you find it hard to grab any to take. If that’s the case, maybe you should call a friend and work on some relationship building. Once you’re solidified in their mind and shits are given, try to take a shit again.
  2. You are someone so hesitant to impose upon others, so modest maybe, that you refuse to accept shits that are freely given to you. Don’t be stupid, you’ll rupture something and die. Graciously accept them, and get your ass back on the toilet.

And what about those days when you’re taking your fourth, fifth, eighth shit of the day? Or those times when you simply can’t get the high powered poo fountain to turn off? On these days, perhaps you could consider the possibility that you are a shit hoarding asshat. You unashamedly take, take, take all the shits that are given to you and then give none of your own. This is not karmic punishment. Its science, math, and logic! No human body is equipped to take in so much shit, and you’ve really only got one place for it to come out. Do yourself a favor and find someone to care about. Give a shit or two. You’ll rest your tush, conserve water, and save money on all that toilet paper.

What this all boils down to is this: If we assume that shits must first be given in order to be taken, then trips to the restroom should make you feel special. As long as you are pooping on a regular basis, you should feel cared about.

So the next time you find yourself sitting in the bathroom on the brink of tears, the next time your sphincter is all but eviscerated from a seemingly endless eruption of stinky molten lava, the next time you think you have permanently broken a toilet…take a moment and smile inside.

Somebody loves your ass a lot.


  1. I know I'm a little late to this party (by about three days), but I just wanted to drop in and say that your shitty perspective is beautiful, and I fully endorse your theory of regularity. May your poops be always plentiful and pleasantly proportioned! :o)