I want to take a moment right here and now to explain something about myself: I have never been one who understood the phrase ‘shit or get off the pot.’ There are times when nature calls you over and over, and then the bitch puts you on hold while she plays crappy elevator music on repeat. Nobody can poop to bad elevator music! And then there are times when all you can do is sit and wait, absently staring at the stall door and mentally taking a mallet to the guy one stall over who seems to have an endless deluge of Hershey squirts. All of the offensive messages and phone numbers for skank-tastic adventures can be read only so many times before they, too, lose their appeal.
Stall Revelation #1: Let’s face it. Sometimes taking a shit can be really boring.
This is a discovery I made during my freshman year at college. Most of my poo time was spent in the shared bathroom that joined two suite style dorm rooms. At least this was the case when the bastards next door decided not to lock us out. You would think kids in the honors dorm could read a note. I’m sure they were literate. They were just ass hats.
Being an only child, I never had to do much bathroom sharing. So it surprised me to learn that some people can just get it done, in and out, bing bang boom. Oh, how I envy those who make taking a dump seem so effortless. Maybe I just need to drink more water. You know, loosen things up a bit. I digress…
Whatever the issue actually is, I would much rather put a Band-Aid on it than address it head on. I tried everything to spice up my time on the chilly poo-poo pool: read books, did homework, played solitaire, text some friends, and I even watched a show online once or twice. Sure, things were fun for a while, but the reality that an impending digestion torpedo was taking its sweet ass time remained unchanged. While they all made my wait seem less arduous, none of these activities did a damn thing to push me on towards the final pinch off.
Stall Revelation #2: Sometimes even highly entertaining shitting experiences lack focus and drive.
I came to the sad conclusion that I was doomed to a lifetime of mildly to highly entertaining and for-the-love-of-god-everlasting dump sessions. Just as I let this devastating fact settle in, I had one of those happy mistakes that life likes to throw into the mix now and then. I had spent the last 45 minutes or so after a heavy lunch walking around campus listening to my ipod. My music of choice? The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship soundtrack, of course! That’s right, I know how to party.
Nature then decided to send me an urgent message as I got back to my dorm, so I headed right into my thankfully unlocked shared bathroom without taking out the ear buds. And holy shit.
Never before had I felt so empowered as in that moment. Aragorn was fighting for love, Legolas was being pretty, Gimli was cracking jokes and being a drunkard, Frodo and Sam were hiding their love and walking with determination, Merry and Pippin were getting baked, Gandalf was dying…and I was taking the most epic shit of my entire life. The fate of Middle Earth was hanging in the balance.
And with that I developed the epic pooping technique. The use of fantastic adventure music 1) alleviates boredom, and 2) gives your shit purpose. This purpose helps you get done what needs doing. Really, I felt like I took out Sauron all by myself. And in a timely manner, too.
You’re welcome, Frodo. You’re welcome.