Friday, May 25, 2012

Hot and Cold

I lay here in bed, naked and squeaky clean, having just had one of the niftiest experiences in the world. It took place in my shower.

Stop being gross. I can hear your thoughts, you nasty.

Let me preface this by saying that I like my showers hot. I don’t mean I like warm showers. I don’t mean I like it when there’s a pleasant amount of steam to loosen up my throat and lungs. What I mean to say is that I like my showers really…damn…HOT! Skin is for losers, hot. When I push the curtain aside and reach out for a towel, steam should billow forth from my hair follicles. My skin, usually whiter than Casper the ghost, needs to be a nice scorched pink color. Every inch of my external body will have experienced the oh-so-delectable sting of, you know, nearly scalding water.

Don’t you worry, I can take it. I’m a hardcore bitch. (Does he look like a bitch?)

If this sounds too intense for you, I’ll ask you to do what my food service training taught me. “When you wash your hands, turn the water up as hot as you can comfortably stand.” And then, for the purposes of this glorious experience, turn it up just one more notch.

**Notice: If you have one of those touchy showers that likes to dick around with you, this might not be the best idea. I’ve had some serious hot water burns because the hotel shower decided on that day it wanted to be a douche nozzle. In this instance, and only if this is really the case, you can settle on ‘as hot as you can comfortably stand.’**

Alright, so you’re in the shower. Smells of soap and shampoo have got you wanting to be as close to godliness as you can possibly be. You’ve got the water kicking, and you’re in the mood for excitement. Scrub a dub dub, sing a little song, have a hair-gasm or two while you reenact the herbal essence commercials (view a documented hair-gasm here), and now you’re ready for something new.

I want you to grab your toothbrush.

Why are you looking at me like that? Grab your goddamn toothbrush!

Now paste it up (even better if you like that cooling mint kind of stuff) and run it under the coldest water your sink can conjure up. If you’re in New York City, this means just using the faucet. To my friends in the water temperature inept Florida, on the other hand, I would suggest preparing for this by sticking your toothbrush bristle side down into a cup of ice water. I want your oral hygiene wand to have +13 ice power before you proceed with this quest.

For those of you who choose not to enrich your lives with nerdy gaming references, make your toothbrush really cold!

The shower has still been slowly cooking you alive while you’ve been preparing your toothbrush. Place yourself squarely beneath your showerhead, bring the now well prepared icicle brush to your lips, open your mouth, and brush like you’ve never brushed before.

I have no words for this feeling. At first, it seems to completely nullify any of the external heat you feel due to the blizzard taking place inside of your head. It’s like experiencing a snowstorm as you dance on the sun.

It’s quite simply: wonderful.

Okay, I lied. I had 39 words for this feeling.

The point, oh nitpicky reader, is that I think everyone should experience this momentary ecstasy at least once before they become worm food. It truly was an unexpected delight.


  1. You are crazy you know that? But absolutely adorable! Can't wait for the next one!

    1. Well I do pride myself on being ever so slightly off. I'm glad you're enjoying it!