In the past, my friends would refer to me as a serial monogamist. I cannot deny what is true, and therefore I cannot deny this accusation. For many years, I allowed myself to be drawn down by others because I needed to be needed. The addictive thrill of infatuation didn’t hurt either, but the real exhilaration comes from feeling for even one moment that you are the only person who can make someone else’s world right again. It isn’t true, but it feels damn good to think it is.
You are the guiding light leading them home safely.You are the surgeon to sew up their broken heart.You are the lockbox in which they hide their deepest secrets.And you are the hopeful words that keep them smiling when nothing else can.You are the bank who keeps them fed and sheltered.You are the car to come pick them up on the side of the road when nobody else will.You are the voice on the other end of the phone at 2:47am.And you are the wellspring of life they can pull from when they need a lift.You are an ear to listen and a hand to hold.You are lips to kiss and an ass to fuck.You are feet to tickle and hair to sniff.And you are a warm body to lay beside in the expansive darkness of night.You are the encouragement left in the background.You are the rock that cannot cry for fear of upsetting them.You are the vent for their frustrations.And you are the doormat they walk on when they leave.
The problem lies in the fact that healthy relationships cannot be formed from one person’s need to be fixed, held, cuddled, coddled or in any way made happy by another. That happiness should exist independently of anyone else in the world. My old need to be needed was actually quite disempowering for everyone involved. It disempowered my partners by assuming they were somehow in need of fixing, and it disempowered me by making my happiness dependent upon theirs. Unhealthy at best and catastrophic at worst. I suppose it’s all a part of being human…this learning to cope with mutual existence thing.
It has been over a year since my last relationship ended. Sure, I’ve gone on some dates, had some sexy times and cuddled with some cute boys. But that’s not what this past year has been about, and nothing serious came of any of it. Venturing into an uncertain future, I’ve managed to find something much more fulfilling than that old thrill of co-dependency. I found happiness in myself.
My jobs are both amazing. They afford me enough money to live comfortably, if not extravagantly, but the money isn’t important for more than comfort. I am learning and growing with each and every moment I’m on the clock, and that is worth all the money in the world. And I accept that I won’t be with either forever. For now, they make me happy and help me to survive, and it is grand
My friends are all brilliant people, and they make me smile every single day. I am blessed to have them in my life, and I would never wish them gone. But I would smile even without them, because I’m alive and that is a wonderful thing.
My heartlight shines damn bright all on its own…brighter than it ever had with someone else sucking it up all the time. It is fueled by dancing in the rain, the shapes in the clouds, the feeling of grass under my bare feet and the prickles on my neck when the wind stirs just right. Call me simple if you will, but the little things make me very happy, and I’m just fine with that.
And for the record, I do miss cuddling, kissing, fucking, hand holding, spooning, dancing, tickle fighting and all the other –ings that come with a relationship…but I don’t need them to be happy. You shouldn’t need them from me to be happy either. But it would be nice to have them again.
So I suppose all this boils down to my message to the Universe. Not a plea, not a prayer…just a message:
I no longer depend upon anyone else for my happiness, and I’m ready to enter into a healthy relationship with someone who feels the same.
Thank you for listening.