Monday, June 25, 2012

Gotta Catch 'Em All

In the heat and sweaty stank of these early summer days, I notice myself sitting on benches about as often as I can find them. I’ll have you know, the sun beats down here in a much drier way than in Florida. There never seems to be enough water to drink, and that is quite strange for me.

So there I was one day last week sitting my winded, dripping self down on a park bench in the 97 degree weather. Guzzling down the last of my water from my nifty neon green bottle, I took a moment to relax in the shade. My weekend partner in crime, Bryan, sat down next to me also glad to take a moment to rest. A light breeze helped to cool us down a bit and bring the scent of street meat to my nose. Across the cobblestone way, some movement caught my eye. A decent sized black squirrel was dancing back and forth between the posts of a metal fence. He didn’t seem to be phased by the passersby who all wanted a picture. One man even offered this undaunted animal some food which the creature eagerly hopped up onto the bench to take from him.

While it was entertaining enough just watching this all transpire, it is rare that my imagination is ever so easily satisfied. After watching this funny little squirrel dance his way into the hearts of every person to walk by, there were two things I knew to be true:

This black squirrel was rarer than the regular grey and brown squirrels.
He (gender assumption) was pretty damn fearless.

You know what that means to a child of the 90s? Obviously…he must be mine!

Having grown up with the electronic how to guide for using enslaved animals to essentially cockfight another animal to near death before capturing it in a little ball (cue Pokemon theme song), I was totally prepared for the situation. After consulting my pokedex (Google on my smart phone) for a Black Squirrel’s weakness, I made my decision.

Pigeon, I choose you!

I knew Black Squirrel was brave, so I harbored no fear of him running from the battle. Bystanders cleared out of the way as Black Squirrel prepared to leap and Tackle.

He missed.

“Quick Pigeon, use Shit-on-Everything!” Try as he may, Black Squirrel was unable to avoid the attack. It wasn’t very effective, but it left him badly poisoned.

“Use Fly, Pigeon!” Soaring above the heads of the onlookers (and well out of reach of Black Squirrel), Pigeon circled her poisoned prey. Regaining his footing, but still in obvious pain, Black Squirrel prepared to evade the attack…but to no avail. The swooping tackle, however, left Pigeon momentarily dazed. In a last ditch effort to secure his freedom, Black Squirrel used Ravenous Bite.

That little black shit bit straight through Pigeon’s talon toe. Having lost two already, Pigeon used Enraged Scramble to Peck Out That Bastard’s Eyes. It was very effective.

Now that this once happy Black Squirrel was laying limp in a pool of its own blood and infectious bird crap, I decided it was time. From my bag, I pulled out the red and white heavy metal pokeball and threw it at his head. Once he was too weak to fight his way out, the pokeball would brainwash Black Squirrel into forgetting the fact that I had another animal beat him to a pulp and then we would all be friends.

In an instant this whole scene played out in my head. The tiny black squirrel was still dazzling the crowd with his charms. Before long he hopped down off his bench perch and army crawled his way over to sit in front of me.

He really was cute.

It was then that I truly realized how horrible Pokemon’s message was for children. Beat the ever loving shit out of random animals you find in the grass and enslave them until you have no more use for them. Even the television show was wacked on a few points. I never understood why these animals became friends with their trainers. Or for that matter, why didn’t the stronger ones just kill the trainer that was hunting them into extinction?

I still enjoy the games, but now I regard them with a new “huh, that’s fucked up” attitude. Oh well…they’re still fun to play.

Happy Monday Fun Day!


  1. Hi Brogan! Dan just sent me a link to your blog. I think we met in Orlando with Kenneth and his family this past October. Really great stuff on your blog. I especially like your observations here as a fellow Pokemon master :)

    1. Kelli! I recall this meeting you speak of. Thank you so much for reading, and I'm glad you enjoy it. Also...I just got an emulator up and running and I'm almost through Fire Red. EPIC TIMES!