Sunday, May 26, 2013

Sandman, Schmandman...

It’s 3:42 in the god damned morning.

I really don’t think I’ll ever understand how this Sandman guy gets to keep his fucking job. My entire life all I’ve ever seen is a slacker and a half. He floats around doing who knows what to people’s eyes all night, and then what? Forgets about me? I don’t know whether to be furious or offended. Put that shit in my eyes, man!

Really though, it’s been a problem since I was little. Once I’m asleep, I can sleep through a hurricane. And I have! Truly and most sincerely, I become functionally dead to the world. If ever you need my help, I pray your reach out to me while I’m conscious. Otherwise, I really can’t say how long it will be until I can lift a finger to assist. I’ve even slept through snoring loud enough to rival most trains. It’s the falling asleep part that gives me trouble.

That’s where this Sandman, this supposed night fairy who gives the gift of pleasant slumber to the world…yeah, that’s where he should step in. What a rare occurrence that is! Perhaps there are too many narcoleptics he’s keeping tabs on for him to worry about me. I’m on his list of people he thinks can handle the fewer hours of sleep while he pops off to blow some dust in Suzy Sleeps-a-lot’s eyes in the middle of her final exam. While I appreciate the vote of confidence you sand sprinkling douche-nozzle, I get tired, too. She didn’t even want to pass out right then! Now I’m over here sleeplessly ranting, and she’s flunked out of college. Such a gift to humanity you are.

Fuck you.

I’m petitioning the guardians of the earth to officially remove Señior Sandbags from active duty. Canned. Pink Slipped. Removed from office. No longer needed. Pack up your desk. Clean out your locker. Tootles. Later. See you…I guess. Probably not.

What I really need is a Power-Outage-Man. Or an Internet-Service-Interruption-Man. Those guys would probably do a better job helping me sleep than Sandy ever has.

So don’t get too comfy, Sandman. Enjoy your last few nights of throwing magick glass shards into the eyes of the world. You’re about to discover all sorts of new freedoms that come along with unemployment.


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