Monday, March 25, 2013

Showers are the shit...

As anyone who has ever lived with me would likely attest, I can spend an exorbitant amount of time in the shower. To be fair to me, I’ve gotten much more conservative with my water usage as the adult times have taken hold. There was, however, a time (worst during those high school years if I recall correctly) when I could literally spend an hour or more draining the house of all hot water. Even now, when I’ve seemingly cut that time down to ten minutes or less, I have a tendency to wait until everyone else is asleep and get in another twenty minutes or so without worries of forcing my roommates to endure a frigid deluge. It’s an illness, an obsession, and my personal great love story. A love story as old as time…or at least as old as me. Whoever I end up marrying will have to accept the shower as our third member in matrimony, because I dare not trade away my time in the steamy waters for anyone. And just why is that, you ask?

Showers are the bomb! That’s why, you silly moose.

Judging by the look on your face, you seem unconvinced. Worry not, dear reader, for I have foreseen the stares you are shooting me now and come prepared with a list. I present to you now Brogie McDoogerson’s list of 10 reasons why showers are truly magickal!

Let’s begin with the obvious:

1. When you’re dirty, showers get you clean. Yeah, yeah, the soap and shampoo help and whatever…but being in the shower is the important starting point. Within reason, showers are hygienic and make for much more pleasant social interactions. Ain’t nobody I know that wants to sit next to a smelly bitch.

2. If you’ve managed to overwork yourself at the gym, if you’ve been lost in Brooklyn walking around for hours and hours on end, or if you’re simply an old-falling-to-pieces man like me, the warm holy waters of the shower god are most definitely a blessing. Achy muscles feel much better after a visit to your personal temperature regulated rain cloud.

3. Stress has a tendency to literally go down the drain. Personally, when I’m anxious, nervous or generally upset, I like to put my head under the running water and just let it take all of my concerns away. The shower can’t really fix the problem, but whatever is going on in your life can be tackled better with a clear and relaxed head.

4. For those times that you’ve caught the plague…make that water HOT! Plop your sickly ass down directly under the healing waters and let the steamy goodness envelop you. Seeing as my immune system is made of tissue paper, I’ve become a huge fan of this form of congestion (and general sickly related life hatery) relief.

For those times you want to be alone:

5. No matter how much someone professes to love you, every single person in your life will eventually tire of hearing you sing. Your mother, your siblings, your friends, that darling adorable boyfriend of yours, the groovy lady you just met on the street…even your dog. If it has ears, it will eventually want you to shut your trap and cease the noise makery for at least a little while. Showers, however, have a distinct lack of ears. As such, they rarely get tired of being serenaded. Sing on, girlfriend!

6. When you’ve got a big project, a creative endeavor or some dilemma that requires a Sherlock Holmes mindset, the shower provides a great space for uninterrupted thought. Anything from meditation to fictional world creation can safely take place between those three walls and a curtain.

7. Life can be a terribly cruel and unforgiving ride. Sadness and tears are therefore a part of the package. When you leak your salty weeping fluids from your blubbery face, you’ll find it much less of a hassle (and altogether more calming) to do so under a constant flow of water. It’s like the shower is crying with you and at the same time so much more than you. You will either feel much better after some commiseration with your wall sprinkler friend or due to the healthy dose of Schadenfreude from realizing just how many tears your wall must shed just to keep you clean. Your life is not so bad after all when you put it into perspective like that.

8. You are 100% allowed to be totally gross and human where nobody can see. Scratching your butt crack (and giving those fingers a sniff…you’ve tried it, don’t lie!), blowing your nose in your hand, relentlessly popping pimples, peeing with abandon. All these and so much more are yours to do, and no one but the shower walls will ever know.

Intimate shared space:

9. For the most part, showers are not going to be vast open spaces. In the average home, they can comfortably (but still snugly) fit two people. It is the nature of such small spaces that forces a close contact that can bring your relationship with a partner/lover to a whole new level. The act of washing one another can be as intimate (possibly even more intimate?) as sex. Apart from the opportunity to fully explore someone’s body, this is a great exercise in trust. You are allowing someone else to see you in an incredibly vulnerable position.

10. Let’s be serious…shower sexy times can be A-mazing!

Bottom line, dear friends: shower times are magick times no matter how you look at it. Why do you like to take showers? Do you have a favorite song you sing? Or are you much more of a bath kind of person? Inquiring me wants to know.

Happy Monday Fun Day, lovelies. Be well, be clean, and go get your magick on!

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